My Higher Power is John Stamos
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
