I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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