the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
