I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
