Got a toothbrush?
i just wanna soil my oats bro
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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