Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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