so that wasnt chicken after all
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
