What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
