Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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