bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
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