I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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