I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
