Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
