ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
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