proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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