11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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