You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
