Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
