Will you blow on my dice?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
