foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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