i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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