I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
