Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
