Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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