You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
