I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
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