Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
