I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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