She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
