But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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