GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Randomize
