He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
