I wanna bring you to show and tell
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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