I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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