Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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