The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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