Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
