Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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