I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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