I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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