He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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