i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
