I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
