I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
