Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
