i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Randomize
