I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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