We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize