I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
