I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
