I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Randomize
