That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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