I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think I sprained my soul last night
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
