I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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